The world is weighin’ me down,

I always find myself strugglin’ on my knees beggin’ please,

I can no longer bear the weight, and this pain I feel can no longer be relieved,

My addiction’s runnin’ wild, my whole entire body feels like it’s under siege,

I just wanna escape from myself,

So where’s the damn door to leave?

 

Can’t control the depression, everyday it knocks me down,

I’ve lost the will to bob and weave,

Burnt bridges from all those I let down, stole from, lied to and everyday deceived,

So I guess the loss of my integrity and self-respect have been well deservingly self-received,

 

My mind is so far gone and lost it seems beyond impossible to ever go retrieve,

Any passion to push on is gone, I’ll just add it to the list of all my shattered dreams,

My only thoughts are givin’ up,

Trying is all together extinct,

The thoughts of being inspired are the opposite of intrigued,

“Please someone help me!

Internally I scream,

All alone I throw my hands up and constantly plead,

 

I’m witherin’ away,

Corroding at the seams,

My foundation is cracked, weaker by the day, growing even more worried about my strugglin’ barely standing beams,

Fallin’ down, fallin’ apart, my eyes completely flushed for all they do is gush and stream,

Forgot what happiness even feels like,

 All I can flawlessly feel is fully fatigued,

Addiction’s got me bottled up in pieces, it’s a fully functioning self-worth’s guillotine,

It’s an evil machine that manufactures madness,

I’m a product of rage filled components, so badly put together I can barely even believe,

 

It has me gettin’ completely schooled, he’s a ghoul, I’m locked in his ball and chain like he’s the dean,

My only subject is finding the next high to keep me comfortable in my own skin,

It seems like that’s how my whole entire Being breathes,

It’s a sickness that eradicates my feelings and motivation, they’re both driftin’ away with

The Autumn leaves, Becoming one with the blowing breeze,

 

This disease is relentless, it won’t let me go,

Havin’ nightmares of nails in my coffin, I could even hear the distinct sound of the ball peen,

I’m afraid it will only end when all of a sudden I’m found dead, and my whole Family has to go and grieve,

I’m scared that I will never get better and there’s absolutely nowhere else for me to flee,

Feelin’ so empty and alone, I need to gain up enough courage to ask for guidance,

I know I will NEED my Family on my team,

 

So angry that I failed them though, my ears producin’ smoke I’m gettin’ burnt by all the steam,

Sober up for good is what I truly want for them and me,

I need it to be my constant theme,

You see “Basketball Diaries”? I don’t wanna end up like its graphic scenes on the movie screen,

I hope my loved ones can place their trust in me once again, if I had one wish from a genie that’s what my first wish would be,

And if you asked every single active addict, I’m sure that they would agree,

I just need to know that someone has hope for me, then within myself I can also then believe,

I never wanted this life for myself, and I know that’s what some of society doesn’t see,

They only see us as some kind of infested freaks,

So, to their stigma, all I can do is sit here with my pen and raw emotion, thus continue to let my journal speak,

I just want people to look at us addicts in a different way, and know that we have a good person within us down deep,

Knowing we have a severe problem, I know long term treatment is what we Pray for and secretly seek.

By: Dave Riley